Anxiety. There I said it.
Do any of you feel like you know way more about me than you should? I guess you don't have to read if you don't want to :) I think I write to be reminded of Gods faithfulness and if I am exposed I don't feel like an impostor. But please feel free to share stuff about yourself with me. I'd love to talk. And/or if you have a blog of your own please let me know so I can follow you!
So again, I know that I have mentioned my struggle with anxiety over the past year but I can't remember how much I shared. Basically prior to Thanksgiving last year I started becoming very anxious. I realized I didn't know how to just rest, sit still, be at peace. My mind was constantly running, I felt like I always had something to do/needing to be done, and when I just wanted to sit I couldn't. That may sound familiar to some of you…. but then my mind wanders down the dangerous path of "what is wrong with me? why am I like this? am I crazy?" A couple people wanted to pin-point it on the fact that with a 4 month old baby I hadn't slept in literally 4 months. Sleep deprivation, nursing, hormones, having a two- year-old to care for, and starting back to work about that time was a lot going on. Yes, I guess physically and mentally it did take me down some, but it wasn't the primary issue. I was having panic attacks, over the next 3 months I was scared to be alone, I was emotional, confused and feeling like I was going crazy.
The amazing thing, the way only God can work, is He took this thorn and turned this past year into the biggest spiritual growth I've ever experienced. No I didn't want to go through this. No I don't want to continue to. No I don't think Wes did or does either. We prayed for it to end. I still do. But my prayers changed. In the beginning it was "Lord let me rest. Take away this anxiety. I know nothing will happen to me because you are in control." But what I learned about myself was I was having trust issues. Very scary trust issues. I was scared of death. If I believed the Gospel, I should not have fear in death. After opening up to a few close friends and my parents, (and a few co-workers unintentionally at work…. but it just spills out sometimes when God wants it too) saying to them "I know this sounds crazy. It sounds crazy to me. I am fearful of even becoming anxious. I hate the nervous feeling. I am scared what people will think. People will think Im crazy. What if it happens when I am alone and or by myself with the kids. What if I panic and something happens to me." We were reading Romans together at the time. They looked me back in the eye, told me I was not crazy. Told me God loved me. Open the bible with me. Prayed with me. Sent me encouraging texts. I texted them when my mind would wander to these feelings/thoughts. They would pray. God would calm. Repeat. Daily. For Months. We read John together. We met for coffee. They came over when Wes was going to be gone at night and I would get anxious. They loved me. They treated me like a family member. They never made me feel alone. They prayed for strength for Wes. They prayed for strength for our marriage. We read through Hebrews together. They keep praying. They keep checking in. They are a picture of the church. A few of them live in Seattle, a few in Kentucky. They constantly spoke back scripture to me. A few of them were my friends I asked to disciple me. A few were college students from our small group I opened up to. They held me when I cried. They laid hands on my shoulder and prayed for the lies to leave. God answered.
When He took it away I missed the dependency on Him, the thorn he had created. When I strayed away, when I got prideful, when I thought "I was doing good", when I was distracted with family, fun activities, or other gods then I relapsed. I learned that it is okay. I am learning to be okay with struggling. I am learning that real courage is bowing to God. So my prayers have morphed…. they look a little more like "Lord thank you for your mercy. Please forgive me for my broken nature. Please forgive me for not trusting you. Thank you for being enough." Behind every initial issue (mine was feeling overwhelmed, anxious) there is the real problem (mine was the need to be in control/the sustainer for myself, kids, family, relationships, life etc.) The more I dug into more sins, the more that were revealed and the easier it became to identify them. I realized I lived the majority of my life thinking of my salvation as a prayer asking for forgiveness, acknowledging what Christ did on the cross and believing if I then followed the "rules of church/a Christian life" then all would fall in place. I compartmentalized God, made him fit in a box. It was prideful and legalistic. I worried and I didn't like not being in control of circumstances. That's a god-complex. I believed I could change how I felt, what happened to me, what I achieved, and on and on.
Each time I mourned my own sin, the larger the Cross and all He did became. Christ became real. The bible became alive for the first time. It changed everything. The other week I started to panic on the highway driving alone. My friends prayed. I shared it with them. I was discouraged. We keep reading through Isaiah together. I will cry more. I will get anxious again. I will anticipate and worry about becoming anxious next time I have to do something not normally part of my routine. I used to ask why. I still sometimes do ask why. Why do I do this? Why can't I just stop. But I know it is the result of the fall. The fallen world causes all of us to deal with dark things we don't want to. That is how I felt. Every anxious thought and panic attack feels like you are swallowed up in darkness. John 1:5 has been with me the entire time. "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."
I know that version above of the past 8 months sounds all over the place. That is how I sometimes feel. Thanks for letting me share a very very condensed version nonetheless. It is very freeing. Wes also bought me this book, "Anxiety: Anatomy and Cure" at a conference. It is a biblical look at anxiety. It was short and awesome. It is definitely worth the amazon price of $2.99. Great resource for yourself or someone you know who deals with anxiety.
Ann Voskamp uses her words better than I could ever do and she recently wrote this in a post of "What the Church and Christians Need to Know about Suicide and Mental Health" in response to Robin Williams suicide:
So again, I know that I have mentioned my struggle with anxiety over the past year but I can't remember how much I shared. Basically prior to Thanksgiving last year I started becoming very anxious. I realized I didn't know how to just rest, sit still, be at peace. My mind was constantly running, I felt like I always had something to do/needing to be done, and when I just wanted to sit I couldn't. That may sound familiar to some of you…. but then my mind wanders down the dangerous path of "what is wrong with me? why am I like this? am I crazy?" A couple people wanted to pin-point it on the fact that with a 4 month old baby I hadn't slept in literally 4 months. Sleep deprivation, nursing, hormones, having a two- year-old to care for, and starting back to work about that time was a lot going on. Yes, I guess physically and mentally it did take me down some, but it wasn't the primary issue. I was having panic attacks, over the next 3 months I was scared to be alone, I was emotional, confused and feeling like I was going crazy.
The amazing thing, the way only God can work, is He took this thorn and turned this past year into the biggest spiritual growth I've ever experienced. No I didn't want to go through this. No I don't want to continue to. No I don't think Wes did or does either. We prayed for it to end. I still do. But my prayers changed. In the beginning it was "Lord let me rest. Take away this anxiety. I know nothing will happen to me because you are in control." But what I learned about myself was I was having trust issues. Very scary trust issues. I was scared of death. If I believed the Gospel, I should not have fear in death. After opening up to a few close friends and my parents, (and a few co-workers unintentionally at work…. but it just spills out sometimes when God wants it too) saying to them "I know this sounds crazy. It sounds crazy to me. I am fearful of even becoming anxious. I hate the nervous feeling. I am scared what people will think. People will think Im crazy. What if it happens when I am alone and or by myself with the kids. What if I panic and something happens to me." We were reading Romans together at the time. They looked me back in the eye, told me I was not crazy. Told me God loved me. Open the bible with me. Prayed with me. Sent me encouraging texts. I texted them when my mind would wander to these feelings/thoughts. They would pray. God would calm. Repeat. Daily. For Months. We read John together. We met for coffee. They came over when Wes was going to be gone at night and I would get anxious. They loved me. They treated me like a family member. They never made me feel alone. They prayed for strength for Wes. They prayed for strength for our marriage. We read through Hebrews together. They keep praying. They keep checking in. They are a picture of the church. A few of them live in Seattle, a few in Kentucky. They constantly spoke back scripture to me. A few of them were my friends I asked to disciple me. A few were college students from our small group I opened up to. They held me when I cried. They laid hands on my shoulder and prayed for the lies to leave. God answered.
When He took it away I missed the dependency on Him, the thorn he had created. When I strayed away, when I got prideful, when I thought "I was doing good", when I was distracted with family, fun activities, or other gods then I relapsed. I learned that it is okay. I am learning to be okay with struggling. I am learning that real courage is bowing to God. So my prayers have morphed…. they look a little more like "Lord thank you for your mercy. Please forgive me for my broken nature. Please forgive me for not trusting you. Thank you for being enough." Behind every initial issue (mine was feeling overwhelmed, anxious) there is the real problem (mine was the need to be in control/the sustainer for myself, kids, family, relationships, life etc.) The more I dug into more sins, the more that were revealed and the easier it became to identify them. I realized I lived the majority of my life thinking of my salvation as a prayer asking for forgiveness, acknowledging what Christ did on the cross and believing if I then followed the "rules of church/a Christian life" then all would fall in place. I compartmentalized God, made him fit in a box. It was prideful and legalistic. I worried and I didn't like not being in control of circumstances. That's a god-complex. I believed I could change how I felt, what happened to me, what I achieved, and on and on.
Each time I mourned my own sin, the larger the Cross and all He did became. Christ became real. The bible became alive for the first time. It changed everything. The other week I started to panic on the highway driving alone. My friends prayed. I shared it with them. I was discouraged. We keep reading through Isaiah together. I will cry more. I will get anxious again. I will anticipate and worry about becoming anxious next time I have to do something not normally part of my routine. I used to ask why. I still sometimes do ask why. Why do I do this? Why can't I just stop. But I know it is the result of the fall. The fallen world causes all of us to deal with dark things we don't want to. That is how I felt. Every anxious thought and panic attack feels like you are swallowed up in darkness. John 1:5 has been with me the entire time. "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."
I know that version above of the past 8 months sounds all over the place. That is how I sometimes feel. Thanks for letting me share a very very condensed version nonetheless. It is very freeing. Wes also bought me this book, "Anxiety: Anatomy and Cure" at a conference. It is a biblical look at anxiety. It was short and awesome. It is definitely worth the amazon price of $2.99. Great resource for yourself or someone you know who deals with anxiety.
Ann Voskamp uses her words better than I could ever do and she recently wrote this in a post of "What the Church and Christians Need to Know about Suicide and Mental Health" in response to Robin Williams suicide:
Don’t only turn up the praise songs but turn to Lamentations and Job and be a place of lament and tenderly unveil the God who does just that — who wears the scars of the singe. A God who bares His scars and reaches through the fire to grab us, “Come — Escape into Me.”
Nobody had told me that –
that one of the ways to get strong again is to set the words free.
You know — The Word that bends close and breathes warming love into the universe…. and the words mangled around swollen secrets and strangling dark — just let the Word, the words, all free in you.
Our Bible says Jesus said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a doctor, but those who are sick.” Jesus came for the sick, not for the smug.
Jesus came as doctor and He makes miracles happen through medicine and when thechurch isn’t for the suffering, then the Church isn’t for Christ.
I wanted them to say what I knew: The Jesus I know never preached some Health Prosperity Gospel, some pseudo-good news that if you just pray well, sing well, worship well, live well and deposit all that into some Divine ATM — you get to take home a mind and body that are well. That’s not how the complex beauty of life unfolds.
The real Jesus turns to our questions of why, why this sickness, who is to blame — and he says it like a caress to the aching,“You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here.” (John 9:3 MSG)… “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him” (John 9:5 NLT).
That’s the grace touch of Jesus: The dark is not your fault, the dark is not the heavy night that weighs the worth of your soul, the dark is not about blame.
The dark is about bravely being a canvas for light — about courageously letting your dark be a canvas for sparks of God glory, a backdrop for ambers of mercy in the midst of your fire.
Ask Mother Teresa. Who painfully peeled back a lifetime of letting her dark become the canvas:
“There is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead… I do not know how deeper will this trial go—how much pain and suffering it will bring to me.This does not worry me any more. I leave this to Him as I leave everything else.
Because we are the Body of the Wounded Healer and we are the people who believe the impossible — that wounds can be openings to the beauty in us.”
We’re the people who say: “there’s no shame saying that your heart and head are broken because there’s a Doctor in the house. It’s the wisest and the bravest who cry for help when lost.
There’s no stigma in saying you’re sick because there’s a wounded Healer who uses nails to buy freedom and crosses to resurrect hope and medicine to make miracles.
You can be different and you can struggle and you can wrestle and you can hurt andwe will be here. Because a fallen world keeps falling apart and even though we the Body can’t make things turn out — we can turn up. Just keep turning up, showing up,looking up.”
If we only knew what fire every person is facing — there isn’t one person we wouldn’t help fight their fire with the heat of a greater love.
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