Testimony

Each week during missional community we have been having different people share their testimonies. We asked them to follow a format that would hopefully create a biblical testimony pointing to Christ as the hero and not ourselves. We recognize our natural tendency is to make our testimony a bio of our life with "accepting Jesus" as a sentence that happened. When other people share we tend to say "wow they have a good story" based on what sin they were in and how they got out of it....let's not say that anymore. We want this to be Gods story and sin is sin and a testimony to God always involves Him revealing himself to us, not us getting out of it. The sin of putting drugs above God is the same as putting an education or your kids above God... Both idols. 

So we have been using the tool of Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration or the making sure it contains the 5 elements of the gospel (the character of God, sinfulness of man, sufficiency of Christ, necessity of faith, and urgency of eternity). I thought this week, wow I am asking others to share and I have not shared mine in a long time. I decided to write it out because I think writing it out is a good exercise so that I can become more comfortable saying it out loud when presented with opportunity to share the gospel if someone ask me "why do you believe in God?" 

So if I wrote it out, I thought I would share it. The main reason to share it is in hopes it may help someone else see His glory.  It makes me sick to think of the opportunities I have wasted and the incorrect information I have shared. I cringe when I think back to an interaction I had with a roommate in college. I prayed the "sinner's prayer" with her and she asked me if that was all she had to do to go to heaven and I said yes. I knew grace was/is enough but I didn't fully understand. Matthew 7:22-23 is very clear and the bible never uses the language of "pray this prayer and you are good".  The phrases in the bible are something like "turn from sin, take up our cross, die to ourselves, and follow Jesus."  "We are saved from our sins by a free gift of grace, something only God can do in us but that gift involves the gift of a new heart. We realize that we are saved not just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of eternity in heaven but we are saved to know God. We yearn for Him" 

So here it goes….

Creation: I was born in Hopkinsville KY where I lived till college with my parents and one brother. Hopkinsville was also the town where all four of my grandparents lived. I went to the same church for 18 years and we attended Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and all other events. We went on family vacations and mission trips as kids. I always felt loved and safe as a child. At age 7 one evening I told my parents I wanted "to be saved". The reason could have been because I had seen my brother baptized within past year, fear of hell, desired eternity in the pearly gates, or that I thought it was the right thing to do. So I said the "prayer" asking Jesus into my heart so I could accept Him as my Savior. I believed He died for me. The following Sunday I walked down the aisle at church nervously and proud as I had accepted Jesus.  Over the next 10 -15 years I would say not much changed. I was highly motivated kid and perfectionist. My friends perception of me was being a good girl or the Christian in our friend group. In life I wanted approval of doing a good job whether that was in school, on a team or from family. During college I probably wanted the American dream…. good job, husband, kids, traveling and to serve others when convenient. 

Fall: I was born with sin and it continued past age 7 without much recognition or repentance. I didn't even know it because I was too busy being a good friend, daughter, student, teammate, girlfriend, etc. Though I acknowledge grace with my mouth, I was in a legalistic mindset subconsciously counting attending church and abstaining from outward displays of sin for the most part to make it all right. I was controlling and manipulating my life to the best of my ability to obtain all things happiness. My relationships didn't glorify God, I put way too much stock in a boyfriend, and my prayers were more consumerism/individual and prosperity centered with a worldly perspective. I was sinning in pride, selfishness, idols, coveting, and fear to name a few. My life was not the way God designed because God was not the focal point. He was compartmentalized and convenient and I had not surrendered all. I think I believed what God did for me (maybe because I was told it and told the bible was true by parents, preachers, most people I knew) but never truly trusted in Him which is faith. I tried to control in my life what I could, like succeeding. I was all over self-reliance, self-sufficiency, faith that is private, self-esteem, materialism, and self-advancmemt (all things opposite of the gospel).  Basically my life was not going right but I thought God loves me and has a plan to fix my life. I simply need to follow steps and do certain things and all would be good. (Totally taking Jeremiah 29:11 out of context and interpreting it the way I wanted) My community for Godly wisdom for high school and college was mainly my parents. I was not involved in any form of deep discipleship besides lots of phone calls to Dad. 

Henri Nouwen: “Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so, too, do our lives.”

Redemption: Sometime during Wes and I's dating years/first years of marriage, God starting really drawing me to Him… slowly. I would say "I know I need to read my bible more" but didn't have a desire. We were getting truth spoken into us from Sunday morning teaching and small groups and he gave us enough faith (though small) to take steps toward Him and trust Him with certain parts of our life. He gave us clarity to move to Seattle  (maybe because we felt guilty if we didn't… again right thing to do is go to an unreached people group?) and I continued to "do good" for a few more years. Then darkness happened, then real darkness, the kind that is scary. God allowed me to experience darkness where my "go to" of self-reliance couldn't shake it, I couldn't fix it. I didn't have control and I was required to take on the posture of dependence. I opened His Word. It came alive just like it says it will. God says if you want life then "eat on the flesh of the Son of man" John 6:53-58. How do you do that? John 1:14 and John 1:1 The flesh is the Word. I loved it. I needed it. Jesus doesn't need me to accept Him, I just needed Him. I had to open my bible to hear truth or my own reality would slip away into anxiety. He brought my past and present sins to light and I found freedom in repenting. I saw His faithfulness over and over again. He surrounded me with a community who would speak truth too and intercede through prayer when I couldn't. The Body of Christ= the Church = His people. I acknowledged not that I am inherently a bad person and God gave up His son so I wouldn't have to do anything for my sins BUT that I am really an enemy of God, dead in my sins/constantly rebelling. I finally got that God's holy wrath against the entire world's sin was put on Jesus, and that it wasn't just an unjust act, but rather purposeful and intentional. Jesus didn't weep in the garden and ask the cup to be taken from him because he was scared. The cup was not the cross. The cup was God's holy wrath of all the people ever in the world and that made Jesus tremble. No one who has died for someone else received that type of punishment. Before now I was not really able to see that I needed life outside of myself and my little world. I became dependent on God to do something I could never do. I began asking for an increase in faith and trust in His sovereignty. He drew me to Himself. 

Restoration: God continues to allow me to remember how lost I was and how I still struggle. That thorn is still there. I still need Him and will always need Him. I don't want to lose that dependency either. Through being restored, I was able to get past some of my self too. He has opened my eyes to the hurt in others, increased my empathy and compassion, and burdened me with sin in the world. I know Jesus dying was the ultimate act of justice. I know the God of Justice has a heart for the oppressed in the world because it is all over the bible. Specifically for me a burden for orphans and children suffering from abuse as sex slaves or labor slavery. It also caused an increase in urgency for me to want to give Him glory and make His name known. I want others to know this God of love and hope. I am praying for steps for tomorrow, next year, and so forth. Please pray for me to keep my eyes focused up as the distractions and struggles for the world are strong. 

Thanks for letting me share. 

Questions, comments or concerns are always welcomed at caseydudas@yahoo.com or via phone! Or just write them below.

For His Glory, 

Casey 

Praying these girls know the depth of God's love at young age