A Big State and an even Bigger God

I think many of you know I went to Austin TX last weekend with two friends to attend a woman's conference, IF:Gathering. What is IF:Gathering? I wasn't 100% and a little skeptical of the emotional side that women's conference can project but I think now I know it is a more general, empowering, giving of resources, exposure to ideas and organizations than deep bible study time. And that is fine. I enjoyed spending time with Mary Ann and Melissa, two amazing people who are easy to travel with. The speakers all spoke truth and I especially enjoyed hearing from David Platt, his burden for the lost is contagious. I was so happy the International Justice Mission was there. Its as there first time sponsoring an event and as a result raised 1 million dollars. I have been so overwhelmed and handicapped as I don't know what to do with the information of child slavery. The VP from IJM who spoke really helped explain more what they do and bring the positive work God is doing to light in such a dark industry. Even if I don't work for IJM, I know I can pray for His Kingdom to come. I know I can expose people around me like my church community and I know we can give.

As many of you know, after Sadie was a couple months old I became very anxious and experienced panic attacks. It lead to being fearful of having a panic attack, being alone, as it was the most out-of body/out- of control experience I have ever felt. All of a sudden when you have 2 babies in this world, the thoughts of earthquakes and pedophiles are too much.

"Brilliant doesn't matter, if you can't get out of bed. Talent doesn't mean anything if you let fear be some terrorist that takes you hostage. Potential doesn't add up to untying if you get addicted to perfectionism because perfectionism is slow death by self." 

For the past 2 + years, the Lord has done a lot of revealing and growth. I was however scared to death to go on this trip, totally out of my comfort zone since all this started. I have not ever been a plane away from girls (and Leighton is almost 5!) or flown without Wes since the kids were born. I had not spent the night away from home without Wes since Sadie was born either (except I think once or twice with my parents visiting). I  feared panic attacks on plane, having a baby on the plane or in TX, not being able to sleep in hotel, and being needy to my two travel partners. Disclaimer: Mary Ann and Melissa have walked through this journey with me since the beginning and I knew they wouldn't judge. I am thankful for them.

Melissa, Mary Ann, Molly (who lives in Houston and drove up to visit us), and Me and baby

Anyways I think I was so worked up the night before trip I cried myself to sleep and numbly got up the next morning and drove to airport. At the security gate in Seattle, after me asking a TSA worker a question about pregnancy and the screening machines, I walked up to my friends and just lost it. Emotional. Tired. Crying. But we boarded the plane. I prayed. We distracted with movies, Melissa teaching me to knit, reading, and talking. Many friends and family prayed too for my request to take my thoughts captive.

Sometime that night during the conference the speaker asked us to take time for confession before we went any further in worship. I had been doing a lot of asking and little listening. Prayer is about God speaking to us and us speaking to Him. I needed to listen and I needed to confess.  Confession is so vital but I tend to skip to asking God what I want first. He revealed and exposed my sin so I confessed I found security in being close/controlled environment with Wes and girls and safety in medical means instead of God. I asked to be freed from that bondage. I confessed (though I know the truth that God is always with you), I didn't believe God was enough. I grab on to what I can see instead of resting in what He has done. I knew the feeling of being scared and God knows we will be afraid. It is knowing that while the scary things in life are real, they are already defeated. Christ's death on the cross crushed the enemy and the evil in us. And we have Christ in us.

"It doesn't matter what sin you're struggling with they are all rooted in the fact that we don't actually believe God can satisfy our soul. Whatever we are chasing, Jesus is better."

Good news! Our faith is dependent upon Jesus' words and believing in Him. Faith in our own faith is insignificant, thankfully.  God did give me rest. He did let me enjoy hanging out with my friends. He did let me focus and worship at the conference. I did not have panic attacks (or a baby!). He would still be who He says He is even if those things happened but I am thankful for the answered prayer and the realization/acknowledgment of my sin. I appreciate the way He provided. I am still in shock I actually went to TX at 31 weeks pregnant without my family but I will look back on this as grace and His faithfulness. It was definitely a test of my faith. (God doesn't tempt us but He does test us - Genesis 22)
 

"Believing something is one thing. But the best things only come when you decide to Be Living it."

Counting the small gifts:

Leighton sent her bunny with me so when I missed her I would be comforted. She is the sweetest. She requested pictures of bunny doing different activities....