IF:GATHERING

So…. I kind of need to apologize for the end of my post Explore Seattle: SAM and New Baby. (Sorry you guys get all my thoughts but I use the blog as a place for documenting our lives/journalling to the girls/ preaching to myself)

First let me rewind. So tonight, though I tried to find every excuse not to go, I attended an IF:LOCAL put on by another church in Seattle. I don't really know what IF:Gathering truly is to be honest but I read Jennie Allen's book Anything and was pretty sure she had written my life story. So I browsed around her website and found IF:gathering 2014 that I proceed to watch some of in my living room last year. I clicked to see if there were any people in Seattle doing IF:locals after that and a few people emailed back and forth but nothing really came about. Then a month ago I got an email from one of those Seattlites I hadn't met inviting me to a lady's home hosting live stream of IF:gathering 2015 from her church. I signed up. I invited some people from our church but they didn't want to go or couldn't so as the day came closer I made up every excuse in mind not to attend such as … I won't know anyone, its 45minutes away, I can only go  to Friday night session because I work Saturday, and lastly I am not sure what the purpose of conference even is. Through Wes' encouragement, I went. I had a great time. The ladies all welcomed me with open arms, the speakers were all people I recognized from their books, food was yummy, the message about Joshua's story in Numbers discussing faith and believing in God was good. As they said "I am ready to go to war but I don't know if I can do it? We ask questions like, am I enough? Are we going to be safe? What is it going to cost?" I definitely believe the lie that the measure of my faith determines what God will do through me. But that is not true. It is the unmeasurable God that determines it all. Lord, I want to do brave things through you.

I think you can watch the live stream of the conference here: https://ifgathering.com

So why do I need to apologize? Well during one of the break out discussion times, the host for the evening, Rose, asked me why I was here. I told her how I ended up in her home and that I feel restless, especially as I read books like "Half the Sky". They bring me to tears but I don't know what to do with it. I think this is how everyone feels when they hear about slavery but Im not sure if it is normal or different for me. Rose then said with confidence "I am a Christian but I don't feel that passion for sex/child slavery. Follow that calling. It is from God. That is what He has placed on your heart." And for the first time I realized that yes we are the body of Christ so each is called to different interest. I know that concept seems basic but I really thought James 1:27 and images of neglected, abused children tore everyone apart. I don't doubt that Rose doesn't love God. She just has a different burden. I have prayed over and over for God to break my heart for what breaks His. He did just that. He broke my heart for what He wanted to break it with. Others feel calls to invest in jail ministry, divorce counseling, homeless youth, elderly, etc. Not that we can't serve different areas but if it is making me weep and cause deep frustration, it is probably something we should listen to. Anyways I am sorry for saying I was going to pray for your heart to break for the same thing mine does. It is not my choice. I will pray that your heart will break for what breaks God and that we will all choose to participate in His redemptive story. Thankful for going to the IF:gathering and I am thankful for the Holy Spirit speaking through Rose tonight as I felt confirmation. What to do next? Still no clue. I guess Ill keep praying, reading, and crying ;) Prayers to be brave and trust that God can use me, broken Casey who is so scared half the time and can't do normal daily activities it seems. Prayers to combat the lie that because of anxiety or fear that God can't use me. Prayers to say yes and be uncomfortable.