Dependent on the Unshakable

 On 11/12/19 my world stopped, again. I know that sounds dramatic but let me explain. At some point in the middle of the night, Levi had crawled into bed between Wes and I. I woke up to the sound of rhythmic lip-smacking around 5am. I knew he didn't suck his thumb so I peered over at him and his eyes were open, rolling, and he wasn't present.  He was seizing. I began yelling "Levi". I cried  for Wes to call 9-1-1. We both thought "he is bleeding again... this is it.... we are going to lose him." His arms and legs began to move also in a rhythmic pattern. I was praying out loud "Lord make it stop. Stop it. Let him say "momma" again". It was alternating with yelling "Where are they? What is taking so long?" I called my poor dad on speaker phone and just yelled "Pray for Levi. He is seizing. I don't know if he is bleeding" and hung up. The ambulance arrived. He was still seizing. We tried to give them his history but I was demanding for them to give him medicine and they had to do their protocols of checking blood sugar.  I changed into some clothes and ran out into the snow to go with Levi to hospital. Wes waited for our friend Devan to arrive to stay with girls. The girls were upset. They heard the screaming but never left their room and watch the ambulance. Our sweet neighbor, Mr Collins, was just standing outside our house, ready to help or stand guard or whatever was needed. I never saw him as I got into ambulance. They wouldn't let me sit in back with him. I was yelling at them to hurry up and give the medicine and get to hospital so I understand why. The first responders gave him midazolam in the ambulance. About half way to the hospital they told me he stopped seizing and he was looking at them. I then managed to call my work and told them I wouldn't be coming in.  Wes called and I told them we were headed to Fairview Cleveland Clinic which is closer to our house and has a pediatric ED. When we got to the ED room, they gave him an IV, got labs and planned to get a CT done. He was tired but I did ask him "are you okay" and he nodded. It wasn't much but it meant so much to me. I crawled into the hospital bed and continued to cry. 

His CBC and other labs came back good and his vitals remained stable all indicating he wasn't bleeding. They then took him to CT and it did not show any bleeds/tumors to be a cause of a seizure. So the next part of the plan was to transfer him to Cleveland Clinic Main Campus to meet with neurology for further evaluation. For this ambulance ride, I was allowed to ride in the back with him. We talked about how it was snowing and he asked me "why am I here?".  I think at this point I was able to give a few more updates to the people I had asked to pray for us and my boss. I also called our old vascular neurologist in Seattle and left a message for her to call back. 

The next 24 hours they had Levi hooked up to EEG monitoring to see if there was any other seizure activity. Dr. Lefond called back and she graciously gave her number to the Cleveland Clinic neurologist to share his history. I was able to ask her some questions as well. My parents made it. Dad had started driving when he got the call and meet mom in Louisville. 

The girls were still hanging out with Devan, Morgan and their family. 

After 24 hours on EEG monitoring, no seizure activity was noted. The cause of the seizure is unknown but could have resulted from old injury where his hemorrhagic stroke occurred. They said it is hard to tell from one seizure. He was started on keppra (anti-seizure medication) for preventative measure, a rescue medication (diastat) if needed and scheduled to follow up with neurology in February. And we were sent home. Sent home to process and understand how to move forward.

So many immediate emotions. You see it we really thought we were going to lose him that morning. We went to the place of thinking "we have had 3 wondering, quiet, healthy years with Levi since his stroke and this is it." We have all probably imagined losing someone we love but I have never been this close. Mentally in that space as I was on 11/12/19. It leaves you with PTSD. I cry just picturing his non-responsive/absent face that night. Fear of seeing it again.  Fears that had previously subsided over the last year since he had been cleared from docs, on no meds and no issues. We were surprised. But we know God wasn't surprised. The other emotions are extreme gratitude and thankfulness. God held Levi again. God held us and old and new freinds and family prayed, reached out, and cared for us so graciously. 

As I have had some time to process over the next few weeks, I noted many other feelings. Sad. Disappointed. Scared. Mourning the comfort and security I had felt in his health. Shaken to the core. 

Before this happened I had ordered, Nancy Guthrie's study on Hebrews. I had barely started it prior but now I am in the thick of it. It is so good and the truth in Hebrews is so valuable. It puts death in its rightful place. It puts this life and all the things we elevate in their rightful place, under God. It elevates Jesus as superior to everything else. It reminded me of how we live in shakable world, how Levi physically shook, and how my heart was shaken, there is a Kingdom that is unshakeable. We try to create a secure life with false securities but only God can provide security, eternal security. "Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and praise God by worshipping Him with holy fear and awe" (Her 12:28) 

Going forward it is day to day process.  I need Hebrews and all the scriptures daily because if not my mind wanders....It can be draining and somewhat trapping as I am not sure how to leave Levi or let him sleep alone. I drift to questions of what if he seizes and we aren't there, what if it is a bleed next time, what it he seizes in his sleep and we don't wake, how will I let him sleep alone? Thanks for letting us share with you all. Thanks for praying and interceding for us, especially on those days that aren't as easy. Thank you for enjoying Levi with us as well. He is special.