Real life update that is not portrayed in fun pictures of summer and Chicago. This is for my kids someday when their struggles come.
I had decided to trial off my anti-anxiety medicine at the beginning of summer to see if I still needed it. By August I could tell that the fear of panic attacks and anxious thoughts were still persisting so I decided to wean back on the medicine. This caused a lot of mourning for me. The lies I believe are that I am inadequate, something is wrong with me/my faith, no one understands, God doesn't hear my pleas to take it away and that the Christian life is one that doesn't have grief/sadness/anxiety/depression and is incompatible with worship. So this mindset makes me condemn myself and place a high expectation on myself that I "should" be able to overcome. It is so humbling to know I am not overcoming and cant. I know the truths that Jesus has already overcome. While dealing with my mourning
of needing the medication to help and praying it would help again, I am
struggling with general anxiety and a few side effects of starting the med. It
really can get in my head that I will be stuck this way and also makes me feel
embarrassed, needy and crazy for the level of untethered I feel. At the same
time this week, Levi had a 24 hour EEG monitoring that was routine to see how
his epilepsy activity is doing even though he hasn’t had a seizure in almost a
year. Levi did not like getting the EEG leads place but was a champ carrying
around his monitor the rest of the day. We got the results mid-week that the
EEG was worse than the last one. Levi’s doctor said that even though he is
developing normal now, if the activity goes untreated, he can experience symptoms
of behavior, learning and speech issues. Of course this added to my concerns,
worry and spiraling of “what-ifs” for Levi. A reminder that I have no control
over his brain or mine. We will do the things we need to do and are thankful that
technology and medicine are available but there is so many unknowns. It can
leave me lost, sad, and confused. So I am grieving the things I can not fix. I
am mourning the brokenness of sin in myself as well as being a byproduct of the
broken world. I am needing constant reminder that God doesn’t want us to compartmentalize
our difficult emotions in the name of faith. We are not supposed to be more
spiritual than God. I need to be honest with my grief and not beat myself up
for the shame associated. A pastor once said “to cut out grief from our lives
is to cut our joy as well. We can’t dissociate from one part of our interior
world without compromising everything else. It’s all connected. The invitation
for Christians is to integrate it all and hold both joy and sorrow in tension.”
My prayers are the following
if you would join me:
-
Give myself grace
that I will have struggles, I am not perfect, I cant fix everything and my
standard cant be to be independent
-
The anxiety would
subside for me, I would find rest in Jesus already doing the work and that I
can surrender my pride and fears
-
For Levi! That the
steroid he is going to try to decrease the epilepsy activity we see on the EEG
to work and he would tolerate the medication. That the next 24 hr home EEG on
Sept 28th would be better and that he would ultimately outgrow this epilepsy
and have no brain damage.
-
Pray that Wes and
I can remember how God has previously held both Levi and I all these years of
our lives and that none of us are guaranteed anything so being thankful for
each day.
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